Home. What would one define the word as? A place you live? A place where you grew up? There can be many definitions to the word, depending on how you choose to look at it. The dictionary explains " home " as a physical structure which one lives. So for me, Germany is now home. I have gone through 4 months of leaping over lifes toughest hurdles, although I feel like Im treading water. I had no idea it was going to be so tough.
I had left my teeny little world in California to come out here almost 4 months ago; it had been an difficult and quick decision, one that I almost regretted when the wheels of the plane touched down in a country that had only been visited by me for 3 weeks. I had spent an almost bitter first few months thinking of the choices that had led me to this country, so unfamiliar to my small-town mentality. I was so wrapped up in love, that I hadn't stoped to think how hard this was going to be for me. Now don't get me wrong, I love Kyle with all my heart, and that means I will move where he moves and support him through thick and thin. I swore a vow to be there for him no matter what, and I will. But leaving my small town of Boulder Creek to live here in Germany was a major step for me, and I hadn't realized it until I was in Ramstein and unpacking. I had been ill with homesickness, understanding at last why it is called "being homesick".
When we first moved in, it was exciting. I had an entire house to fill with memories of California, and rooms to decorate with my belongings and small touches of what used to be home. That kept me busy for a few weeks, it was when Kyle went back to work, and we had ran out of money to decorate is when I started to feel sad and lonely. I wasn't keeping busy anymore. Somedays I would feel like the walls were caving in on me, and I'd just breakdown for no apparent reason. I could't find the energy to pull myself off the couch. I wanted to go home. Home, a place where things were all safe and familiar to me. Where I had family. All I could do was sit there and cry. I'd look through old photo albums and try to make small projects for myself, but all of this was a temporary fix. I am still afraid and uncomfortable with walking out my front door, and going for a walk on my own. It is all so unfamiliar to me. I will have good days and bad days. Days where I want to be up and doing things around the house and job hunting, and days where I just stare out the window for hours. It is so much harder than I had imagined this being. I wanted to hit the ground running; but once I got here, my views had changed. My first instinct is that I want to go home, and Germany was not home. This country intimidated me from the start. I was afraid to go anywhere outside of base. I didnt want to order food at restaurants. I hated driving places in our car. I was being so close minded and in fear because I didn't speak the language, and this, I realized, was ruining my experience and memories I will have of germany. I knew then that my life was and is forever going to change. This is a lifestyle that I need to adjust to. Being a military wife, I need to learn to become more independent. My world as I knew it, would forever be altered.
It has been a long 4 months, and I am slowly adjusting. I saw new things. I tried new food. I traveled new cities. I played the part of tourist; in fact, despite my new address, I was a tourist. I am slowly finding that I like Germany. The germans are nice and there is so much to see and do. I just need a nudge now and then to make me get out there and experience this world that so many people wish they could see. I am blessed for having this opportunity. Many people live their whole lives and don't get to see what I've seen in this last year...But why can't I appreciate it?
I have been told that once I start a new job, and meet new people, things wont seem so bad. I know there are many men and women in my place right now, I just need to reach out and meet new people. I wonder if going home will make my stay here much easier...or will it be that much more difficult to leave the second time? I've yet to find out. I have changed so much as a person, that home may not be the same to me anymore. Of course my family is there, but will it be weird being back in that small town of Boulder Creek again? Who knows. I need to accept that Germany, is my home now...at least until June of 2009. I need to be more open minded, and enjoy this experience with my amazing husband. He has helped me through so much, there is no need for me to be so afraid with him by my side. He is the family that I have here.
So, I will continue to experience. I will try new things. I will not be afraid of the unfamiliar. I will take in these memories that will last a lifetime. I will put myself out there and show this country the real me. I will adapt.
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